Tu or lei?- a language game

The use of the informal tu or the formal lei is important in Italian, but unlike most other aspects of learning the language, it is far from cut and dried. Below I present various little scenarios. For each, decide whether you would use tu or lei. Remember that such usage is often subjective, but when in doubt, the lei should be used, unless the other person allows you to use the tu (ci diamo del tu?/mi puoi dare del tu, and so on.)

1. You're on a blog written by an individual and you write a comment. You don't know the blogger in person. You've never commented before.

2. You ask for directions in the street.

3. You're forty. A friend invites you to a party with people she knows but you don't (yet.)

4. You send an e-mail to an Italian website (hotel, restaurant, etcetera) asking for information.

5. You order at a restaurant.

6. You order at a pizzeria. You're fifty and the waiter appears to be about twenty-five.

7. You're middle-aged and you're having a long, friendly conversation with an elderly person. They use the tu form with you.

8. You're thirty and you're talking to some university students.

9. You're thirty and you're talking to a university professor.

10. You're sixty and you're talking to a priest under thirty.

11. You're forty and you're talking to a doctor under thirty who is caring for you.

12. You're forty, you're on vacation, and meet a couple of forty-year-old doctors and socialize at the beach.

13. You're thirty and you're talking to a child.

14. You're talking to an immigrant to Italy who doesn't know Italian well.

15. You meet your sixty-year-old Italian uncle for the first time.

Answers below.

1. Tu.

2. Lei.

3. Tu.

4. Lei.

5. Lei.

6. Tu.

7. Lei.

8. Tu.

9. Lei.

10. Lei.

11. Lei.

12. Tu.

13. Tu.

14. Lei.

15. Tu.

Adriano Celentano- Prisencolinensinainciusol

I was actually in Italy when this song came out, and its imitation of American English is so convincing that I never really asked myself what, if anything, it meant. It was performed in the early Seventies by famed Adriano Celentano. At the beginning, the young student asks the nutty professor why he wrote a song with meaningless words. His answer (cut in this clip) is that it's to express the current lack of communication and that the title actually means "universal love." That he could write this song and do such a good rendition of an American English accent without actually knowing English shows the enormous amount of exposure Italians have been getting for decades to popular American culture.

The beautiful brunette who stands up toward the beginning is Celentano's wife, Claudia Mori. The blonde dancer is multi-talented star Raffaella Carra'.

Of course someone had to try to make sense of all this, so they produced a version with subtitles. Let's freeze that goat!

Una barzelletta

E' sera e c'e' un uomo che va su e giu' per la strada, guardando in basso.

Si avvicina un poliziotto e chiede all'uomo: "Cosa sta facendo?"

L'uomo risponde: "Ho perso le mie chiavi e le sto cercando".

Il poliziotto chiede: "Ma perche' guarda solo sotto i lampioni?"

E l'uomo: "Perche' e' li' che c'e' la luce e si puo' vedere".

Today I am three

Yes, I was born July 1st, 2007. I am in full toddlerhood.

I am (almost) as cute as Spanky McFarland of Our Gang, but not (quite) as pugnacious.
Hooray for toddlers everywhere!

During the next month or so, I will be posting little, if at all. But I should be tweaking my ancient three-year-old self, including a list of popular pages on the sidebar. And there may be other interesting developments...

Easy cryptograms in Italian

Crytograms are a form of cryptography, or secret code. Most cryptograms used as puzzles follow a simple substitution code, where each letter stands consistently for another letter. Each puzzle's code is different. In every language, you must be aware of the structure of the language to solve a cryptogram. For example, remember that most Italian words end in a vowel. In any language, you should look at patterns such as frequency and repetition.

The easiest way to learn cryptograms is through simple category lists. Try these (answers below.) Each list has a different code.

FAMILIARI KHWVF BABBH TVHYFPPA XAVFPPH QHWVF BABBA

COLORI QKFIID VDYYD HWVXW HKDIF FVFCEKDCW CWVD VDYF

Numeri 1-20 WYXCCBL YDL WYXCCLBUVIV IVDWYQ YDUVIV CBQ

Mesi VBHHBKZIB YHHYZIB OBWWQJY DBZZIQJY NRONJY OJROWY

Answers:

MADRE NONNA FRATELLO SORELLA PADRE NONNO

GIALLO ROSSO VERDE VIOLA ARANCIONE NERO ROSA

QUATTRO UNO QUATTORDICI CINQUE UNDICI TRE

SETTEMBRE OTTOBRE GENNAIO FEBBRAIO LUGLIO GIUGNO

Una barzelletta

Un'anatra entra in un bar e va al banco. Dice: "Cameriere! Avete dell'uva?" L'uomo risponde: "Intanto sono un barista, non un cameriere. E questo e' un bar, non un ristorante. Non abbiamo uva. Abbiamo vino, ma non uva".

L'uomo e' molto occupato con i clienti, ma dopo mezz'ora l'anatra dice ancora: "Cameriere! Avete dell'uva?" Il barista risponde: "Te l'ho gia' detto. Non abbiamo uva. Sparisci". L'anatra, molto triste, esce dal bar.

La sera dopo entra l'anatra e dice: "Cameriere! Avete dell'uva?" Il barista, arrabbiato, dice: "Senti, anatraccia. Se mi chiedi un'altra volta se abbiamo uva, ti inchiodo quel becco al banco!" L'anatra esce dal bar, tristissima.

Ma la sera dopo l'anatra rientra al bar. L'uomo va al banco, arrabbiatissimo, e lo guarda. L'anatra dice: "Cameriere! Avete dei chiodi?"

Word of the week-forno

Our word of the week is forno, oven. The above is a parody of a hit song called "Porno" (needs no translation.) But You Tube star Andrea "Papero" (duck) Moraldi, like any self-respecting Italian, knows that food is more important than sex. So he turned it into a song about baking taters. My translation of his Roman dialect follows.

You, who call me at three 'cause you

have no idea what to make tonight as a side dish,

I- you know what I do when I'm in a hurry?

I cut up seven potatoes and stick 'em in the oven.

Oven uh oven uh oven uh oven oven

Oven uh oven uh oven uh oven oven

You, who ask me why they fall apart on you

when you take 'em out of the oven,

but, how much time do you cook 'em

and what oil are you using

when you take them out of the oven?

Oven uh oven uh oven uh oven oven

Oven uh oven uh oven uh oven oven

Just cook them less

And shake 'em around every now and then

Cut them up real nice

Before you add the oil

and stick 'em in the oven.

Oven uh oven uh oven uh oven oven

Oven uh oven uh oven uh oven oven

You, call me back at nine

and cursing tell me that the oven has exploded on you

Hey, call 911 'cause one of my hands

fell off and landed in the oven

Oven uh oven uh oven uh oven oven

Oven uh oven uh oven uh oven oven

Oven uh oven uh oven uh oven oven

Oven uh oven uh oven uh oven oven

Jovanotti at Harvard

Jovanotti will be speaking at Harvard tomorrow.

Is this some kind of joke?

No, he'll be at the Kennedy School of Government to discuss human rights.

Good to know that a person of this stature, with such a brilliant mind and a distinguished record of selfless service to humanity, is at work on our problems of globalization, human trafficking, economic and social injustice, and war.

I feel much better now.

Are you in a fog about the Italian subjunctive?

In a fog about the Italian subjunctive?

You're not alone. Just witness the scene above featuring the great comic actor Paolo Villaggio in his role as the hapless, oppressed bookkeper Fantozzi.

Fantozzi and a higher-ranked employee in his firm are playing tennis. His opponent says: "Batti?" Meaning, your serve (literally, "beat!") The socially insecure Fantozzi asks him if he's using the informal "tu" with him (which would be offensive.) His worthy opponent assures him that it's the formal subjunctive of battere (which it's not- it should be batta.) So the game can go on.

So where does this leave you with the subjunctive, if even the native speakers get their mutande (panties) in a twist about it?

Don't listen to the people who tell you that the subjunctive is out and you don't need to care about it. On the other hand, don't obsess about it because even Italians themselves are sometimes (literally) in a fog.

Luchino Visconti- Le Notti bianche

Last night I watched Le Notti bianche (The White Nights) by famed director Luchino Visconti. Based on a story by Dostoevsky by the same name, which you can read here, it conveys the message that Life Is Disappointing and Love Is Fleeting. Which is not surprising, considering its source.

But amidst the generally dissatisfying nature of our existence, some moments of real joy and exhilaration pop up. These are expressed skillfully by the above scene, conveying both the advanced Americanization of Italy in 1957 and some unsuspected goofiness from the ever-gorgeous Marcello Mastroianni.

The film is not a crowd pleaser, but I found it well worth watching. Its background was a carefully-constructed set reproducing (of all places) Livorno, and not Venice as some may suspect, because of the canals and little bridges. The movie has been remade several times, most recently as Two Lovers, with Joaquin Phoenix and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Paolo Villaggio

I just finished watching Battleship Potemkin for the first (and last) time, and was irresistibly reminded of this super-famous scene from the 1976 movie Il Secondo Tragico Fantozzi. In it, first-rate comic actor Paolo Villaggio portrays his persona of an oppressed, submissive bookkeeper who finally, and briefly, rebels.

What causes him to finally blow up is that the company that has long made his life miserable mandates the viewing of the famous Russian propaganda film, because they find it morally and esthetically uplifting. Fantozzi does not. He gets up and in front of fellow employees (and management) yells: "La Corazzata Potemkin e' una cagata pazzesca!" (Battleship Potemkin is an incredible crock of shit!) This is followed by 92 minutes of applause by the captive audience (longer than the film itself). In a parody of the mutiny and uprising of the original, the oppressed workers set fire to the reels, tie up the managers, and force them to watch popular trash movies.

Like all really good comedy, there is a strong vein of truth in the scene. Going against decades of critical opinion of film critics is indeed liberating. But in real life (as opposed to Communist propaganda), the oppressed do not prevail. The scene concludes with the triumph of established order, as the cops come in and release the bosses. Who then force the failed rebels to repeatedly re-enact the Odessa Steps scene as a punishment. With Paolo Villaggio as the baby in the carriage. See it here.

Crasher scoiattolo!

People just discovered me at that lake in Canada, but I've been around since the beginning!

Word of the week- rientro

Today's highly topical word is rientro, which is the opposite of a word we saw recently, esodo. The rientro, literally re-entry, is the opposite of the latter- the movement of Italians returning from their August (sometimes July-August) vacations.

Articles abound on the hated rientro, including pieces on mal di rientro (as if it were a disease) and stress da rientro.

But Venetian blogger Marco Gavagnin has a new twist on this. The recession and unemployment has caused our hero in the cartoon above (looking oddly like Mussolini) to say: "The good old days- when I could be pissed off because I had to go back to the factory."

Catch more of Marco's wry cartoons on Italy at his site, Acqua e Matite.

The Venetians are watching you

I've come upon a really authentic site about Venice called Venessia.com. It's almost entirely in Italian, unfortunately. But what really got me was a page that was a little compendium from their Venetian readers about encounters of the worst kind with tourists, including other Italians.

Here are some of my favorites:

Italian lady asks Venetian: do you always speak Spanish here or do you also know Italian? (Venetian dialect sounds a lot like Spanish)

Various tourists: where is St. Peter's?

Foreign lady: where is the Ponte Vecchio? Venetian answer: in Florence.

Tourist from Ohio looking at city map: Excuse me, I can't find the airport on this.

American tourist: The city is great, but why did you build it near all those factories I saw coming in from the mainland?

Tourist from Florence: I don't want to be like everybody else and take a gondola ride. Do you have horse-drawn carriage tours?

Italian father lecturing wife and kids: "Because the King of Venice..." (Venice had a Doge, and was the longest-lasting republic in history)

Germans: Do you have electricity and running water?

American couple: Why do you have so many lion statues here?

My favorite: American lady asks how to get to Bye Bye One. Venetian thinks it must be a disco or eatery he doesn't know about, asks another Venetian. He gives lady directions to the seaside resort of Bibione (bee-bee-OWN-eh), which she pronounced phonetically in English. First Venetian asks second, astonished: how did you know that's what she was saying? Second Venetian: you don't think she's the first, do you?

(In the picture above, painting by Pietro Longhi of social gathering of Venetians, probably making fun of outsiders)

Andrea "Papero" Moraldi- the real Italy

One of the purposes of this little blog from its very beginning has been to try to present the real Italy to infatuated but wildly unrealistic non-Italians.

And here's a man who's just made to order for this purpose. You Tube star Andrea Moraldi, also known as Papero (duck). A comic genius from Rome who presents contemporary Italy as it really is. Here's one of my favorite videos, in which our hero is stuck on the freeway from six to midnight, wonders if his zio Michele (uncle Michael) wasn't better than GPS, finally declares a truce with the arrogant BMW driver who invites him over for penne al ragu' in his car, then calls his wife on his cell to tell her he's dining out. It's a parody of an Andrea Bocelli song.

I've seen every last one of his videos. They're a real chronicle of modern-day Italy, with the protagonist being harassed by Facebook ("I hope your motherboard burns"), traffic cops when he's hungover, diets, bills to pay, relationship disaster, and other tragedies too numerous to mention. No wonder the Romans have survived for thousands of years!

Battleship Potemkin, Italian style

Despite being a great lover of cinema, which I fully consider an art form, I've never seen Battleship Potemkin. Above you will find one of the reasons- I was negatively affected in my youth.

Much-put-upon Fantozzi (Paolo Villaggio) finally rebels at a company-mandated viewing of the Russian classic, famously calling it una cagata pazzesca (an incredible load of crap) in front of the entire audience. He then becomes a folk hero to his fellow workers, and together they burn the reels of the film. In retaliation, they are given the Dantesque punishment of having to re-enact the baby-carriage scene every Saturday afternoon until they are eligible for retirement. Fantozzi naturally gets the starring role.

Fantozzi catches the bus

Just get on the bus, Gus/don't need to discuss much...
Well, after this you might think twice. Hapless and oppressed employee Fantozzi (comic actor Paolo Villaggio) is terrified he'll be late for work and hurries to catch the bus. Unfortunately, it's not the bus itself he catches. One of the funniest scenes in film, worthy of Buster Keaton.

Benito Mussolini is on Facebook

Benito Mussolini is on Facebook.

Benito has 40,000,000 friends.

Here are some of Benito's friends:


Adolf Hitler
Claretta Petacci
Joseph Goebbels
Gian Galeazzo Ciano
Edda Mussolini Ciano
Neville Chamberlain
Eugenio Pacelli

Benito is a fan of:

War
Invasion
Germany
Japan
Roman Empire
Piadine romagnole

Dante tweets

mid-life crisis went literally to hell bad but interesting met virgil thank god then purgatory better but boring now heaven and beatrice yay

Cryptograms in Italian

Some of you have done crosswords in Italian, but have you done cryptograms? These are a code whereby one symbol is always equivalent to another. In simple substitution codes, the letter "a" could be an "m," the letter "g" could be an "e" and so on.

Also, when solving, notice the characteristics of the language such as letter frequency and patterns- for Italian, most words end in a vowel, and "h" and "z" (for example) are not common.

Here are two lists (lists are much easier to solve than texts). They have two different codes. Answers are at the end.

Colori: Aznool [see picture] Glddl Gldn Com Czndpl Digl Tigei

Cibo: Gamzibffl Ameb Alccm Dlgp Legmhmfm Epdfm Sbhmecmem

Don't peek below until you're finished!

Colori: giallo rosso rosa blu bianco nero verde
Cibo: spaghetti pane pizza riso insalata torta melanzana